Book Whore

What would I do without this girl?

1. Grab the book closest to you.
2. Open to page 123, go down to the fifth sentence.
3. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog.
4. Name the book and the author.
5. Tag three people.

'The lad - he was sixteen years old - went to bed drearily. He was cut off and wretched through October, November, and December. His mother tried, but she could not rouse herself.'

- Sons and Lovers, D.H. Lawrence

TAG: You're it!

Get it while it's hot

MJ says: Will you pick me that shirt up if you go to town again?

Chica says: Yes, do you want it off me for Christmas? I am going later today if I do 500 more words.

MJ says: Make it 250 and I’ll convince Alfie to buy you that dress.

Chica says: Your powers of persuasion aren’t that strong. Paul McKenna could not get Alfie to spend ten pence on a text message, never mind £130 on a dress. Besides. I cannot be bought. *cough*

MJ says: Perhaps he was offended when he tried to touch you and you said "Hun, it’s not working for me, give up. I’ll show you how to do it properly another time." ?

MJ says: I’ll bet you’re glad you said that now.

Chica says: He seemed happy enough at the time.

MJ says: All too happy from the sounds.

Chica says: :(

MJ says: YOU’RE A SEXY MAMA!

MJ says: I seriously think he is embarrassed. That’s pretty embarrassing for a guy. You know – it doesn’t bode well.

Chica says: Well, I think it’s happened before. He keeps tissues by his bed ;)

MJ says: LOL.

Chica says: Classy bastard.

MJ says: Looking back, it doesn’t sound like he’s much good?

Chica says: I made up for it ;) I was on fire!!!!

MJ says: Obviously!!!!!! Did you evaluate the package at all?

Chica says: After Boyf, this would only lead to disappointment. Why bother?

MJ says: Liar! You must’ve done SOMETHING. Otherwise, that thar boy has a serious problem.

Chica says: I might have brushed it with my hand by accident. And you know, he was grinding up against me on the bed.

MJ says: And?

Chica says: Well, from what I could tell…

MJ says: I’m all ears.

Chica says: Well, he’s half the man Boyf is. Literally.

MJ says: Fucking hell babe. Love the one you’re with!

Chica says: Would it be really bitchy to post this? :P

MJ says: Only if you post his picture too.

Chica says: To be fair though. How could he compete?

MJ says: How was the shape? Girth??

Chica says: WEIRD! Not him particularly, but I’ve only ever felt one. Didn’t know they could be so different! It was kind of… bendy.

MJ says: I am pissing myself here. Are we talking U-bends here?

Chica says: Dude, we’re talking I wouldn’t have to bend! I meant half the man as to girth aswell.

MJ says: Are you sure it wasn’t just constricted in his jeans or something?

Chica says: Um, no. I whipped them off him remember??? Do keep up!

MJ says: This is nicht git. Really. 7 years and all that crap aside. You’d downgrade to half the cock? Really????

Chica says: It’s not that he’s small, he’s just not big.

MJ says: You realise this makes you practically a saint in my eyes.

Chica says: I so can’t post this now.

MJ says: If you don’t, I will!

Chica says: Oh no she didn’t!!!

MJ says: I’ve got to get material from somewhere, it’s about time Alfie spilled over onto my blog too.

MJ says: If you’ll pardon the expression.

I'm Coming Out

Well we all know I am shit at blogging but I just wanted you all (hello single friend that reads this) to notice that I have switched to beta, not because I have any idea about what it means but because blogger kept urging me to and I found it hard to comment on Chica's blog with my old styleee blogger account.

So wooooo get me.

I would also like you to NOTICE that Chica is finally turning into me. The day she has sex at the gym will be a proud day for me indeed.

What gym DOES 'Alfie' go to?

Must go now and send very ill conceived messages out via Blackberry, All the starlets are doing so these days and I wouldn't want to be left behind. If only I had a Vayjayjay to flaunt I'd be in the pages of Heat by now.

Wasted.

Love always, marky jayjay.

I HEART JOSH

I havent posted for a loooooong time, but I had to document this.

Chica and I read a few blogs all the time, often at the same time on our lunch breaks in our respective office buildings. Her lunch was half an hour earlier than mine today and she text me the following message:

HOLY FUCK, HAVE YOU READ JOSH&JOSH RECENTLY? THROBBING COCK. S'ALL I'M SAYING. (SERIOUSLY THOUGH - IMPORTANT) LOVE YA BUNNY X

Well, there's nothing like the words 'throbbing cock' to get my attention, so I did just that. Um, read Josh & Josh that is, not throb my cock. I invite you all to read the post We Will Win and I thank Josh K. for having the balls to write it.

Much Respect.

PS Ignore that Love Ya Bunny part.

No Diggity

thank fuck for blog fodder like this!

The Rules: Take 20 fairly standard and innocuous questions and answer them with music lyrics.

1.) Are you male or female?

I'm a lucky man
With fire in my hands
Happiness
Something in my own place
I'm stood here naked
Smiling, I feel no disgrace
With who I am
Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just who I am
- Lucky Man, The Verve

2.) Who are you?

I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
- Basket Case, Green Day

I'm the hard loser
You'll find me crashing through my mother's door
I am the ugly lover
You'll find us rolling on the dirty floor
Break my body, hold my bones, hold my bones
- Break My Body, Pixies

3.) Describe your neighbourhood:

Street’s like a jungle
So call the police
- Girls & Boys, Blur

4.) How do you look?

Every time you see me
The Hammer's just so hype
I'm dope on the floor and I'm magic on the mic
Now why would I ever stop doing this?
With others making records that just don't hit
I've toured around the world, from London to the Bay
It's "Hammer, go Hammer, MC Hammer, yo Hammer"
And the rest can go and play
You can't touch this
- U Can't Touch This, MC Hammer

I'm a classy honey kissy huggy lovey dovey ghetto princess
- Filthy/Gorgeous, Scissor Sisters

5.) What is love?

Like the naked leads the blind
I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind
Sucker love I always find
Someone to bruise and leave behind
- Every You, Every Me, Placebo

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
You're in love
- That's Amore, Dean Martin

6.) If you could say one thing to the person you love, what would it be?

Tender is the night
Lying by your side
Tender is the touch
Of someone that you love too much
Tender is the day
The demons go away
Lord I need to find
Someone who can heal my mind
- Tender, Blur

All I know is that to me
You look like you're lots of fun
Open up your lovin' arms
Watch out here I come
You spin me right round baby
Right round, like a record baby
Right round round round
- You Spin Me Round (Like A Record), Dead or Alive

7.) What's your secret?

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more"
Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done?
To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on
Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
- I'm OK, Christina Aguilera

8.) Are you strong?

You got a problem with the way that I am?
They say I'm trouble and I don't give a damn
But when I'm bad I know I'm better
I just want to get loose, and turn it up for you
I've got the stuff that you want
I've got the thing that you need
I've got more than enough
To make you drop to your knees
Cause I'm the queen of the night
The queen of the night
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah
- Queen of the Night, Whitney Houston

9.) Where do you wish you were right now?

Now tell me do ya, but do ya have any money?
I wanna spend all your money, at the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar.
- Gay Bar, Electric 6

10.) What do you think about your friends?

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you
That someday it would bring me back to you
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave
- Sunday Morning, Maroon 5

11.) Any words of advice?

Young man, there's no need to feel down
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy
Young man, there's a place you can go
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time
It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A
It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A
They have everything for young men to enjoy
You can hang out with all the boys ...
- Y.M.C.A, The Village People

12.) What do you wish you were doing right now?

Oh place your hands, on my hope
Run your fingers through my soul
And the way that I feel right now
Oh lord it may go
You know you cannot hide, from what’s inside
You know you cannot hide, from what’s inside
So I ask of you, to help me through, I ask of you this thing to do
Put your hands on, put your hands on
- Place Your Hands, Reef

13.) What do you think about drugs?

Naughty naughty, very naughty...
He glides into your mind with a sunny Hello
A gentleman of leisure, he's there for your pleasure
But go easy on old Eezer he's the love you could lose
Extraordinary fellow, like Mr. Punchinello
He's the kind of geezer who must never be abused
- Ebeneezer Goode, The Shamen

Don’t believe everything that you breathe
You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
So shave your face with some mace in the dark
Savin’ all your food stamps and burnin’ down the trailer park
Yo. cut it.
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
- Loser, Beck

14.) If you could say one thing to your enemy, what would it be?

In my dreams I’m dying all the time
As I wake it’s kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me
In my dreams I’m jealous all the time
As I wake I’m going out of my mind
Going out of my mind
- Porcelain, Moby

15.) What do you do on Friday nights?

Shake it like a Polaroid picture
- Hey Ya, OutKast

16.) What would you do if you won a million dollars?

Money, it’s a gas
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash
New car, caviar, four star daydream
Think I’ll buy me a football team
Money, get back
I’m all right Jack keep your hands off of my stack
Money, it’s a hit
Don’t give me that do goody good bullshit
I’m in the high-fidelity first class traveling set
And I think I need a lear jet
- Money, Pink Floyd

17.) How do you feel right now?

Let me lay it on the line
I got a little freakiness inside
And you know that a man has gotta deal with it
I don't care what they say
I'm not about to pay nobody's way
Cos it's all about the dark in me (mmm)
I wanna freak in the morning
Freak in the evening
Just like me
I need a rough neck brother that can satisfy me
Just for me
- Freak Like Me, Sugababes

18.) Are you for World Peace?

Nothing you can make that can’t be made
No one you can save that can’t be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It’s easy
All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need
- All You Need Is Love, The Beatles

19.) Where were you born?

Take me out tonight,
Cos I want to see people and I want to see life,
Driving in your car,
I never, never want to go home,
Because I haven't got one,
Anymore
- There Is A Light That Never Goes Out, The Smiths

20.) Any closing words?

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha?
- Don't Cha, The Pussycat Dolls

I smell of sunshine and rainbows and Giorgio Armani

Chica, provoker of all my blog content, has tagged me with this. If it wasnt for that Id be keeping my bad taste all to my little old self.

The rules: List 7 songs you're into right now. No matter the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs.

Firstly, CANDI STATON YOU'VE GOT THE LOVE!! Where was this on your list Chica? I feel betrayed.
2) United States of Whatever, Liam Lynch
3) The Knack, My Sharona
4) MC Hammer, Can't Touch This
5) Gay Bar
6) Pink Floyd, Wish you were here
7) George Michael, Too Funky

I've got no friends to tag.

My Girl

This is more or less an accurate representation of Chica if you only imagine a massive bruise on her thigh and very attractive bandage on her hand. My brave little soldier: get well soon, I love you.

check my biatches

um... i forgot about that last post. it was motivated by sheer incredulity at the lengths some people will go to to score points. but i was more annoyed on my best friend's behalf than my own, and she's cool so I am too.

A while ago i added a picture of the lovely lindsay lohan to my profile. look at lindsay, so sweet and ginger. its basically there because of mine and chica's love of Mean Girls. oh and i like her t shirt.

we watched lost last night, threw popcorn around and jangled. this morning i made my man, Spanky, hoover up the mess in exchange for being half an hour late for work. i mean an hour, three hours! *ahem*

pah!

i would just like to say about something very specific, what a load of MY ARSE! Get a fucking life.

3 Things...

3 names you go by: My Real Name, Marky Jay (from a garlands advert, my mates think this ones mint), Ms. Blatch (to my housemate only)
3 things you like about yourself: im very friendly and put people at their ease, calm in crazy situations, and crazy in calm ones
3 things you dislike about yourself: I’m judgemental, I can be defensive, I’m all about instant gratification
3 parts of your heritage: Scottish, English… West Country
3 things you're wearing right now: smart jeans (for work), grey t shirt (for bf, he like), Giorgio Armani’s Acqua Di Gio
3 Things you want in a relationship: freedom, sex, laughs
3 things about the opposite sex that appeal to you: I like dressing them? They talk about more interesting things than boys do and they’re more affectionate
3 Favourite hobbies: bopping, shopping, and bed hopping
3 things you want to do badly right now: spill the gossip I’m not allowed to spill, sunbathe, drink mojitos
3 careers you have considered or are considering: baker, quaker, candlestick maker
3 girls names you like: Sarah Jessica (ok, but hear me out, if I ever have kids this name will be so retro!), Tilly, Robyn
3 Boys names you like: Jack, Alexander, Dylan
3 things you want to do before you die: swim with dolphins (obviously), travel the globe, sexual encounters with Orlando Bloom
3 things that scare you: the dark, confined spaces, bad dreams
3 places you want to go on vacation: new york, morocco, back to the Med.
3 celebrity crushes: Matt Damon, George Clooney (a classic), Jude Law
3 things you cant do: I can never finish anyth-

Chuck out that chintz

Somebody help me I'm stuck at my man's parents house AKA The Land that Taste Forgot (how did these people rear a gay man?) There are doilies and chintz everywhere you look. The only comfort is I should have been in work today but I threw a(nother) sickie. They aren't bad really, they introduce me as their son's boyfriend in this kind of defiant way that makes me laugh. Im mostly blogging right now to holler to my hard working gorgeous little minx Chica, love, I feel a trip to IKEA coming on! I'd better get back to the Von Trapp's. We're having a Sound of Music themed weekend. But with less nuns and more same sex action.

A post just for Chica

Hello my duck! I know, im totally shit at posting, i always get distracted by the plethora of time wasting websites I keep finding. I know you will like my use of plethora there! we dont have any foot fetish pervs at our office, not any that are out of the closet anyway. i might have to come to your work in flip flops to see if my feet rate on the pervometer or not, but then i might be crushed if he doesnt even notice. imagine! my poor little ego just couldnt take that sort of rejection. i think you should blog about that bloke with the 70s hairdo later -- look, your getting requests! have i entertained you enough now or shall i do the dance? remember i ripped your pyjama bottoms off? fun times!

A chavs work is never done

As you can see, a very busy day at work today. I love Fridays!

My "Fab New Chavtastic Name Is" is Maxwell Minger.
Take The Chav Name Generator today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

scrawl

people, its been so long I forgot my effing password. what of life? well, a night out with cheeky chica has firmly convinced me I need to stop drinking so much. she'll hate that, shes all 'make your own choices' but damn i was embarrasing! i think i insulted a cute barman. so not my style! i was probably trying to flirt very ineffectually. shit happens. she also went to edinburgh, and i stayed home knitting. damn you guillermo! damn you! (i probably dont know you well enough to say that, but i'll blame the stress of my job if you ask).

im here at work, bored shitless. i wish i had an ambition that didnt involve bedding the cast of will and grace. its beyond camp for me to like that show isnt it? but i just wanted to record my reflection that my man is looking fiiiiiine these days. have i mentioned that? maybe thats why im insulting cute barmen instead of trying to lick their willies. can i say that? i just did. peace, out!

Hey Floyd

Tragically, I'm not even interested enough in myself to finish that countdown thingy. I like reading them on other peoples though. What does that say about me? It was a lovely weekend in Liverpool and today its raining. I was merciless with my Pink Floyd though. Dont be disgusting, who do you think I am Julian Clary? Pur-lease. I played them in the garden all weekend. My housemate is now starting to sing them as she wanders about the kitchen. I love Dark Side Of The Moon because it reminds me of an ex that I was crazy about. He was fucking good in bed. A bit of an amusing couple of sentences, but true. Yes people Im at work thinking about horny exes. I normally save this for mondays but the bank holiday's thrown me.

Me me me

Ten random things about me:
10 - I am 7 months into the longest relationship I have ever had.
9 - I am terrified of commitment.
8 - My favourite word is blatant.
7 - I hate getting my picture taken.
6 - My friend has saved my life twice. If I hadn’t met her, I would be dead.
5 - I have a big scar on my shoulder.
4 - When I was younger, I had a big crush on a girl. DISCLAIMER: I am a gay man.
3 - Sometimes when my boyfriend talks, I involuntarily block out his voice.
2 - When I get drunk I think I can rap.
1 - I am really good at sports.

Nine ways to win my heart:
9 - I tend to go for bastards to be honest, but I’ll give this a shot!
8 - Know how to have a good time.
7 - Like your independence.
6 - Introduce me to new things.
5 - Watch TV with me and don’t complain about the naff programmes I like.
4 - Be nice to my friends.
3 - Be patient.
2 - Never use the phrase where is this going?
1 - One word. Massage.

Eight things I carry/wear every day:
8 - A subtle cologne, it should whisper not shout!
7 - A brown leather wallet.
6 - Mobile phone.
5 - Condoms. Who knows when I might pop to the gym?
4 - NUS card from back in the day.
3 - Keys. And a bit of a girly keyring.
2 - A watch that I never look at.
1 - Rosary beads.

And on the first day, he made a blog

Blogs. Whats the point? Mainly, I can write it at work while looking busy and efficient, or at least like I'm tapping mindlessly at the keyboard as expected. And because I'm keeping up with the Jones's. Since I have no clue as to what to write yet, I'm thieving concepts from Chica, who I believe gets all her stuff from David any road. More to follow.